This is the journey of my soul. The journey to feel and express love and let my creativity flow.
For many years I’ve been searching for the means to open my heart. It felt to me that like an accordion, it kept opening up to breath in some much needed air, but closed back quickly with a big noisy exhale.
An open heart is my means to creativity, my true connection with the divine self. And keeping it open was like training a muscle in the body - open, close, open, close - until I could keep it open voluntarily.
Needless to say that I had to battle with life events that have made that muscle automatically contract defensively.
I was a tender hearted child, and although I had a pretty secure childhood, I did not feel unconditional love from my mom, may she rest in peace.
Nor can I blame her. How could I? She knew nothing else, as she was raised by generations of child mothers.
My grandmother, and her mother and grandmother before her were all married as early as 12 years of age. Can you imagine? And to add insult to injury, they were taught to prefer boys over girls.
My grandmother was wise enough to break the chain, so my mom and aunt luckily got an education, and later chose their own husbands. But loving displays to her daughters did not come into the equation.
So when my mom had three daughters she was actually crippled in that respect. She just did not know how to show affection to us . She cared for us, educated us, made us beautiful clothes and made sure we grew up as proper young ladies.
Just like my grandmother, she learned how to display affection only with her grandchildren.
Loving unconditionally is a muscle that needs to be trained. Only towards the end of her life, did she tell us that she loved us.
When I got married in my mid-twenties I actually allowed the gates of my heart to open, just to have them slam back with a bang when my marriage ended almost before it begun.
You know piecing back a broken heart is a long process, but what really bothered me was the feeling that a kind of a veil was separating me from the rest of the world. I felt as if I was walking around and I was just half alive.
And I wanted to FEEL, I wanted to be connected, I wanted to experience this world with without any barriers, with a wide open heart.
That’s when my quest begun - the quest to open my heart again.
I tried so many things that I can hardly remember them all, but two of them were the tools that I carry with me to this day.
These are the tools that helped me become more grounded, helped me connect with my inner self, and of course, helped me open my heart again, and keep it open no matter what.
The first one was when I started bellydancing in my late thirties. That was the first time that I could actually feel the veil begin to lift. As I became more connected with my body, my inner joy, my aliveness, my sensuality begun to surface. Expressing myself through movement was a revelation.
I never dreamt it would become a profession, I just wanted to feel good about myself and about my life.
And my goddess what a tool it was. So profound, so impactful. The birth of the bellydancer in me, was the first time I felt my heart open completely on its own.
And it’s not like I didn’t dance before. But Bellydance has a way of connecting your soul and your body. Of working through the basic elements - earth, water, fire and air and making you whole.
The second time I felt it, was when I discovered Mandalas and the message they bring from the soul.
I was enthralled. I started creating them over and over again. Mine were not the pretty illustrations that you can find on Youtube, they looked childish, they looked bold, they looked like scribbling, but they were always insightful.
They really helped me get connected my my inner self, and with my heart.
So in essence for me creativity is first and foremost a tool to open the heart. It really does not matter what you do, as long as you create it with love and an open heart.
LOVE is the thing I value above all other things. If you can connect to the love in your heart, and express it freely, you’ll be able to create whatever you wish.
This is my story, and that’s why I created the MANDALA HEALING journey. I want to enable women open their hearts to the beauty of creativity and love.
I would love it if you share with me your journey of love and creativity.